I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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