that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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