if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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