There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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