I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
