My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
