My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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