: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
