Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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