In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize