there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize