The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He shit in the fireplace
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
