Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
