I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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