Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
