her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
