Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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