my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
