and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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