so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
