I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What a dumb baby whore.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
