if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
