Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
