Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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