I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
