so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
