I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
