I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
