I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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