I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
