I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
