Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
