The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
