Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
