I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
