omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
