the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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