you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
