we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
