high people should be assigned attendants
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
