Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
