So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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