Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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