life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
