Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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