Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
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My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.