So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
two words...techno handjob
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.