I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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