Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Randomize
