dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
