Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
