we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
