As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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