what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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